Hey, Church! 

When Julie and I were engaged, my dad offered some fatherly advice that you have no doubt heard before: “Remember, you aren’t just marrying Julie; you’re marrying Julie’s family.” He didn’t mean that literally, of course. But it’s true that when Julie and I said, “I do,” we became each other’s spouse, and we became a son-in-law or daughter-in-law to each other’s parents, a brother-in-law or sister-in-law to each other’s siblings, and an uncle or aunt to all our nieces and nephews. We merged our two families’ significant events into one new, shared calendar. And yes, we inherited a couple of less-desirable things too, like boxes of belongings our parents were all too excited to get out of their garages so we could enjoy them forever in ours. 

When it comes to the marriage of families, it seems to me that there are at least six phases of development. We begin with only a vague knowledge of our muse’s family; at first, we are simply consumed by a hidden Affection only for that one individual. At some point, we work up the courage to give outward Expression to our inner affection–we ask him or her if they’d like to go on a date. And then, when things really start to get serious, there comes a time to meet the parents.

When a couple gets engaged, conversations with future in-laws may feel like an interrogation (and for those who have seen the movie pictured above, you can thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry the daughter of a retired CIA operative with a polygraph in his guestroom), but I’ll go with the more optimistic word “Interest” instead. Parents take a keen interest in the person their child plans to marry, and just as telling, that person is often studying the parents just as closely.

The next stage, which is particularly important after you’ve tied the knot, is Presence. We are present for each other’s family gatherings–if it’s important to one of us, it’s important to us both. I can say I love my wife and am glad to be part of her family, but if I never show up to family gatherings, that claim quickly starts to ring hollow. 

But we don’t just show up at our in-laws’ house to go sit in a corner alone. Or, if we do, that’s something we will hopefully grow out of very quickly. That’s why I think the next stage of maturity is Participation. Is playing Charades with relative strangers an introvert’s worst nightmare? You bet it is! Is it something my wife’s family likes to do at occasional gatherings? ‘fraid so! Does it matter to her family if I participate? Yes, more than I will probably ever fully appreciate. Why? Because it’s not really about Charades. It’s about demonstrating to my in-laws that I love their daughter and value them so much that I am willing to put aside my idea of a “good time” and participate in something that makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

When our relationship with our spouse’s family is in full bloom, we enter into a lasting state of mutual Delight. The discomfort of Charades might continue, but when I see the smile my wholehearted participation brings to my wife’s face, or the roaring laughter of her parents, I find delight in delighting them. We are–each one–a gift to the other. 

If you haven’t guessed where I’m going with this yet, this is really all about your relationship with church. 

If God is the groom and you are His Bride, think of the capital-C Church as the family you’ve been woven into, and Sunday mornings as the time when the family gathers around the table to reconnect. In much the same way that we grow up in our earthly families, the maturity of our relationship to God and His Church progresses through the same essential milestones. 

When we first come to faith, we may begin with only a vague knowledge of the Church, but we are consumed by Affection for God. For the same reason that James says that faith without works is dead, a true affection for God will soon manifest itself in outward Expressions like reading the Bible and prayer. 

Have you ever met a Christian who says things like, “I love Jesus but His followers–not so much”? Or, “Who needs theology books when I have all I need in Jesus and the Bible!” That person’s spiritual development was arrested at the point of taking interest in Church-family affairs. 

Ideally, as we venture out beyond a private relationship with Jesus, we start to take Interest in what other Christians believe and what it’s like to be part of their community. We might attend Alpha, or check out a Wednesday-night Bible study, or perhaps meet up with another Christian to ask questions about our newfound faith. And, of course, we go to church. 

Our Presence in church matters. It matters to God and it matters to your spiritual mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children. How strange would it be if I said I love God and am happy to be part of His family, but I never show up to family gatherings? Everyone loses in that scenario. Relationships depend on us showing up. So, a maturing Christian places a high priority on weekly corporate worship. 

But, just like at my in-laws’ house, if I go to the family gathering but isolate myself to read a book in the corner while the rest play their games, I have missed the whole point of attendance. Without wholehearted Participation on Sunday mornings, we will miss the whole point of attendance. What is that point? I want to camp here for a moment because this is crucial and many Christians never see it. 

Far too many Christians treat public and private worship like they have the same goal. They don’t. There is a MASSIVE difference between worship in our private times of devotion and what we do together on Sunday mornings. So, here’s the “whole point” of our participation: We worship together for the express purpose of building each other up. That’s it! It’s so simple, and yet so many people still treat church like a time for their private, placid, isolated, individual “just me and God” worship experience rather than the loud, inspiring uproar it’s meant to be. 

When we go to church expecting nothing more than an inward, personal connection with God, we imagine it is most ideal to close our eyes, bow our heads, and try to tune out all the other people in the room. I’m all for closing eyes when we sing, or bowing heads when we pray, and of course nobody wants to be a distraction to others. But–and this is a HUGE “but”–if our worship is so inward that it can’t be seen, heard, or felt by others in the room, then gathered worship has lost its unique power. 

The Apostle Paul called that gathered dynamic “edification” (see Eph. 4 and 1 Cor. 14). The word in Greek is oikodomé (phonetically, “oyk-oh-doh-may”) and it literally means “the building of a house.” Imagine a mason, chiseling a brick to make it fit a precise spot, then slapping mortar on it and pressing it into place. There’s nothing gentle about that process. Building a house requires many bricks to come together and be chipped, filed, hammered, and hard-pressed. THAT, Paul says, is what going to church is supposed to feel like–diverse stones being fitted together into one house. 

Finally, when our relationship with God’s family is in full bloom, we enter into a lasting state of mutual Delight. If there’s any aspect of Sunday mornings that cause you anxiety or discomfort, that’s your “Charades.” No one can make you like something, but open your eyes and look around in those moments. Show your family you can still participate with joy because you delight in delighting the Father, and them. We are–each one–a gift to the other. 

So, bring your gift! And offer your worship to God in a way that can be seen, heard, and felt by the rest of us. That’s the whole reason we gather.